The last two weeks I have been feeling really discouraged. I have been homesick for awhile and many days work is very challenging, but things really came to a head when I was sick.
The stress of finding a Doctor, feeling guilty for missing work, and feeling like a burden on the community coupled with missing the comforts of home were so overwhelming. I was in pain and more exhausted then I have ever been in my entire life. There were many nights that I came home on the verge of tears and all I wanted to do was go straight to bed.
It took a solid two weeks, medicine, lots of 7pm bedtimes and love from my roommates to begin to feel physically better, but emotionally I still didn’t feel right. I realized that even though my body seemed to be back to normal my heart still hurt.
One of the best things about being a volunteer is the raw aspect of community. Living so closely with others comes with its own wide variety of challenges; it can be frustrating, exasperating, annoying and outright maddening at times, but the sense of love and support is invaluable.
Last week at some point I finally sat down with the girls and through many tears and tissues I told them how unhappy I have felt here. I love them and I love all three of my work sites, but certain aspects of my day to day routine are making life here more challenging… namely my position at 1000 Hills.
1000 Hills is one of the most amazing places I have ever been. Dawn the director is an outstandingly strong, passionate and dedicated woman and role model. She built the center from the ground up and has given her entire life to the care of so many people. Each and every day there I am blessed with smiles and hugs from the Gogos and lots of love from the babies, the one fall back of working there is the days that I am assigned – Monday and Wednesdays.
Tuesday is baby clinic at 1000 Hills and Thursday is general clinic. Even though many people come to the clinic on Monday and Wednesdays, which are my days they are very very slow. I try my best to stay busy and engage those in attendance in conversation and activities, but more often than not I have felt like a burden.
After four months of discerning my options and asking over and over ‘what can I do’ or ‘how can I help’ I made the difficult, yet necessary decision that I needed to change my work schedule. I now work at 1000 Hills only on Mondays. I get frustrated on a daily basis that my initial work schedule didn’t work out. I know I’m not here to be satisfied myself, but at the same time sitting around for hours on end drinking tea was not what I walked myself into either.
Whenever I see the babies precious faces and feel the warmth in their hugs or have a conversation in Zulu with the Gogos at 1000 Hills on Mondays it crushes me. I flit between feeling satisfied with the decision I made and feeling like I disappointed those around me.
I am often nostalgic for the simple comforts that coincide with being somewhere familiar. There are moments every day that I long for people who just get me…who know me…quirks and all. But in the middle of feeling sad I find myself face to face with Becca, Sinéad and Mary-Kate. Without their comfort, support, friendship and love I don’t know where I’d be…
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